I just read this, or rather the story it points to. It is the literary equivalent of eating a single wasabi-coated pea. I enjoyed it. And, since the author asked people to recommend her on the same day I asked the same favor, I am recommending it to you as well.
I write and post Sythyry’s Vacation because I know that people read it
and enjoy it. The more fuel I get for it, the more I’ll write. So here’s
what I want for fuel, with the most important things up top. If you do any of
these things, you are encouraging me to write more.
And if you don’t do any of that … please keep reading Sythyry
anyways. That’s what it’s for. And as long as enough people are reading,
and I know it, I’ll keep writing.
And if you’re already doing that or have done it, thank you very much!
Enjoy!
A miniature
of this.
Tod Wills,furry artist extraordinaire, is having Icon or Dragon Day. Visit him for a [crowdfundedly] free icon or dragon drawing!
Phyllis Gotlieb died. The Sleeth ought to mourn her (and I do mourn her), for their creation was inspired, in part, by her Ungrukh.
Dear Sythyry: Not that kind of assassin. A character assassin.
This is a very serious situation for us. We do not appreciate ridicule. I
daresay that you have never particularly feared character assassins. As you
are well-known to be transaffectionate, foreign, and monster-friendly, there
is hardly much more than can be said. In the case of my daughter, all threats
remain possible! I demand your immediate assistance and cooperation in this!
My daughter must return home to me, her tail tucked in shame between her legs!
Fortunately the actual shameful stories and bitter innuendo shall remain on
Srineia, and nobody of importance shall ever hear of it! Your assistance in
this matter is crucial! You must supply money and necessities to Far-Eyes!
But in restricted quantities! She is forbidden to enjoy Srineia! But she
must be provided with the fare for return passage to Oorah Thrassen! Alone!
– Nangbang.
I haven’t been so thoroughly insulted by someone who needs my help in at least
a week and a half. Unless I’m forgetting something.
Me:“What, precisely, did you tell your parents when you
left?”
Lost-Eyes:“I don’t remember exactly.”
Me:“Well, approximately?”
Lost-Eyes:“Something to the effect that I’d married an elderly
Orren knight-adventurer from Aradrueia and gone to live there. I could’t
quite bring myself to mention Dorze.”
Jyondre:“But they knew about Dorze. They were scandalized, you
said.”
Lost-Eyes:[Looking a bit evasive.]“For a while.”
We applied a variety of interrogation techniques. The unfeigned admiration of
Lithia did the trick.
Lost-Eyes:“I distracted them with other scandals. I gave cley to
one of the sorcerers at the temple, for one, and hinted that I was going
to do it professionally. I told them I was going trying to move to a
riverbum village in Mrasteia. That sort of thing.”
Kantele:“Not bad strategy, that. There aren’t all that many
things worse in the eyes of society than being traff…”
Lost-Eyes looked a bit shocked at the word. ” … than being
transaffectionate, if you prefer. Cley-selling will do it, though.”
Lithia:“You’re so clever. I wish I could be like
you.” She petted Lost-Eyes’s tail. Lost-Eyes did not seem much put
out by this.
Me:“Your parents want you to return to Oorah Thrassen, in
shame.”
Lithia:“Feathermom! You wouldn’t make her, would you?”
Me:“Lost-Eyes and her parents are less important to me than my
crew and my vacation.” Everyone else looked a bit uncertain what I
meant. This is entirely appropriate. I didn’t know what I meant either,
or what I wanted to do with the stowaways. Fortunately, being cryptic is
one of my supreme species abilities, and nobody asked me to explain.
Lost-Eyes:“I’m not going to go anywhere without Dorze.”
Lithia:“You’re not going anywhere!”
Kantele:“Except Srineia, for starters.”
Me:“What we do from there depends on how you behave, I
suppose.”
Everyone else looked confused at that. But I knew exactly what I meant. If
Lithia’s love is requited, I’m not going to toss her sweetie off the ship or
send her back to Ketheria. Lithia’s time is so short, and the general distaste
for her species so great, I cannot really deny her what little joy she manages
to scrape together. If not, I don’t much feel responsible for the stowaways,
except to treat them decently and/or in accordance with law and custom.
I am avoiding the decision. I am glad to have a convenient way to avoid the
decision.
Remember when
I asked for a bunch of words and we were going to make a Tarot deck
out of whatever showed up?
Go take a look!
(Or, read
It is a particular character flaw for a Zi Ri to be impatient. I have a
particularly flawed character, and in more ways than just that.
Dear Nangbang: I didn’t kidnap her. I’m not asking for ransom. She came aboard
my ship without my permission. I want her off of it. I could just put her off
at the next port of call. But I thought you might have some opinion on the
matter. — Sythyry
And,
Dear Kzip — No, I don’t want a spell scribe. In particular, I don’t
want your spell scribe. I could just put him off at the next port of
call, but I thought you might want something in particular done with him.
– Sythyry.
From Nangbang, or, rather, from his wife:
Dear Sythyry — Plz. accept aplgz. for prev. msg. Wild rush. Found elpng.
ltr. fr. Kiss-Eyes. Nangb. v. distraught. Hirng. assssn. — Pulla
An assassin? A thousand perplexeties and bewilderments pierce the
mind. These include:
So I tried to poke them with a sharp stick, thus:
Dear Pulla and Nangbang — Are you sure that’s a good approach? I don’t
think it’s legal, even in Srineia. Nor do I particularly approve of
assassinations on my skyboat or on my vacation. Nor does the
nendrai. But if you have a less drastic alternative, please let me know. — Sythyry
From La Hish:
Dear Sythyry, this is utterly unacceptable and must be rectified
immediately.
To La Hish:
Dear Kzip. Fair enough, and, under suitable conditions, I may be willing to
help rectify it. But, if you wish any particular rectification, please tell
me what you have in mind.
My spies are everywhere!
(Unfortunately that’s not true, or I would have found out about the stowaways
much sooner. But it is much more encouraging than to say, “People sometimes
tell me things.”)
So the scene — Zi-Ri-less — is set in a parlor somewhere. A fretful Lithia
is confiding in some of her closest friends (Yerenthax, Jyondre, Thiane). Who
immediately afterwards betrayed her to me, of course.
Lithia:“Yerenthax, could I ask you a question?”
Yerenthax:“With wingèd words and wisdom wide / Your
hearing ears are soon supplied. Not one of my best staves, I’m
afraid.”
Lithia:“I don’t need staves … can you tell me about, well,
Orren?”
Yerenthax:“I can tell you many things about Orren! But what do
you wish to know? You are half an Orren more Orren than I!”
Lithia:“I’m so confused, I don’t know what parts of my
personality are Orren and what parts are Rassimel and what are just some
trash the gods wanted to get rid of.”
Thiane:“Whatever the gods think about you or not, we love
you.”
Lithia:“What I want to know is, can Orren fall in love with more
than one person at a time.”
Yerenthax:“Never! They must not! The cheating churl who chafes
my chest / … … … strikes forth staves beneath my best.”
Jyondre:“What my one-and-only true love is trying to say is, some
of us do, and some do not. We’re not like Cani, for whom monogamy is
unimaginable, and we’re not like Gormoror, who are betimes moved to
violence if their lovers are even conceptually unfaithful. Not that I
would ever be even conceptually unfaithful! Sorry not to be very helpful,
but if you want consistency, do not look to the Orren.”
Thiane:“Let’s see. Windigar and Blenny aren’t attached. Inconnu
should not be much of a problem; if you are in your Rassimel phase and
smile at him too much by mistake, he’ll think you love him out both ends.
The problem is more prying Inconnu off your rump, not getting him there in
the first place.
You wouldn’t be asking Jyondre in front of Yerenthax if it were him.
I hope you’re considering courting Tingula?”
Lithia:“No … not Tingula …”
Yerenthax:“And not my Jyondre!”
Lithia:“Not Jyondre.”
Thiane:“That leaves the stowaway Orren girl.”
Lithia nodded sadly.
Jyondre:“She’s traff. You’d be better off in Rassimel
phase, I should think.”
Lithia:“Actually, I don’t want her to know I’m a shifter hybrid.
I’ve been wearing my illusion spells.”
Thiane:“I don’t think that will work well for any sort of long
relationship.”
Lithia:“It doesn’t have to last forever. Ten years at the
absolute outside. But I don’t mind if it’s less than that. One night
with her would be more lovers than I’ve had my whole life.”
To which there was much sympathy.
Jyondre:“I don’t know her heart. But at least Dozer or whatever
her boyfriend is named is Cani. He is more likely to share than, let us
say, a larger and more delightful creation of Reluu might be.”
Lithia:“Dorze is quite grateful to me, even if the help I gave
him didn’t help very much.”
Jyondre:“You might try to ask him, then. If he is your ally, he
will be far and away your best ally.”
Thiane:“But don’t expect much, from trying to romance upon a
traff Orren. “
Lithia:“I know! Anywhere else there’d be nothing at all
strange about one Orren girl and another.”
Thiane:“Why don’t you fall in love with Windigar? He’s Orren and
not traff.”
Lithia:“And a lot older than me, and he knows my nasty little
secret. And it’s not like I can get a crush on anyone just by wanting to
– much less having them get one on me.”
Thiane:“True … let me know if I can help anysohow with
Lost-Eyes.”
Instantly — by which I mean “within six or seven hours” — Jyondre and
Yerenthax told me about it.
I hope things get simpler once we actually arrive in Srineia.
Nangbang sent me his answer almost instantly:
Sythyry! You are a traitor of honor, you are a traitor of friendship, you are
a traitor of the camaraderie of devotion to the god Accanax! May each of our
feathers be devoured by a separate furious chub-beetle! Not only do you steal
the attention of the dark god that was properly intended for a native wizard,
but you have the utter unmitigated overbrewed tea to kidnap my daughter!
Additionally, you are a spineless and amygdalate weasel of evasion and
cowardice! In your obliquely-worded and pusillanimous missive, you take pains
to gloat extensively of your capture of my defenseless daughter, but you miss
the key feature of the etiquette of kidnappers everywhere!
You have not named your price. Well, I can start the negotiations as well as
you can. I offer seventeen thousand lozens and a promise not to seek immediate
revenge. But this crime cannot go unpunished forever, you infamous squamous
menace! — Nangbang, who is not as powerless as you might think!
I am fairly sure he was Wild Rushing while he was writing this — the letters
are scribbled and frantic. Which is reasonable if he thinks I kidnapped his
daughter, I suppose. Still, I hereby swear off Orren for life again … none
too impressive an oath, as I haven’t so much as kissed one diligently in years.
Kzip took only a moment longer, and took a rather different approach towards
utterly misunderstanding my utterly clear letter:
Oh, that’s all right. Dorze is a fine spell-scribe, but I can spare him for a
while. Do I understand properly that you have some spell that you’re planning
to teach him and have him copy? If it’s an interesting spell, and if you
bring him back home in — let us say — two months, I can count the spell as
the price of his subindenture. Let me know. Sorry (and, honestly, just a bit
miffed) that you couldn’t arrange this with me personally when you were in
Oorah Thrassen. But I suppose that making arrangements with the Destroyer of
All takes precedence. Anyhow,
I don’t think she read more than a dozen words in my letter; she filled in the
rest with what she would have done in my place.
Thank you, O monsters and such who read and reply. I was going to stop at the
nearest port and toss the stowaways off the ship (from a height of about five
feet) and let them fend for themselves. But after reading and musing on all
the discussion, I will not. I will let them off at my next port of call in
the ordinary course of things, which, with only a minor change of plans, will
be in Srineia. In the meantime, I need to borrow a few envelopes from Vae.
I tracked Vae down! She was playing The Serpent of the Vortex with Ochirion
and Quendry. She was in the shape of a serpent with a row of butterfly wings
down her back, unmatched both stylistically and aerodynamically.
Me:“Hallo … will you be much longer at the game?”
Quendry:“Yes! We won’t be much longer! No! Yes! I’m going to
roll a seven and then I’m going to win!”
Me:“Are you now? I was actually talking to Vae.”
Vae:“Not so long will the game be if Quendry rolls a
seven!”
Me:[in the Nice Language -- a horrible language which Vae forced
down my mind a long time ago, and which nobody else around here
speaks.]“And you wouldn’t dream of ensuring that Quendry
rolls a seven, just so you could get out of the game?”
Vae:[also in the Nice Language]“Not that! The happy game it is,
and already have I asked Quendry and Ochirion for a rematch!”
Ochirion:“What? Whaa-aa-aat? Did you call me a porcupine,
Vae?” I suppose “for a rematch” sounds a bit like “is a porcupine”,
if you are seven years old.
Vae:“Not that! And would you like to be a porcupine this
afternoon, Ochirion?”
Me:“I hope you ask Zascalle or Thiane before you transform their
children.”
Vae: [suddenly rueful] “The I hope I do too.”
Quendry picked up the dice and rolled a seven, completely fairly. He moved
his pawn the obligatory seven steps to the serpent’s head.
Quendry:“I win! I win the game! Can you believe it? How could
I roll a seven? I rolled a seven and I win the game! How did I do that?
It was a seven! It was four plus three! How can that be seven? It is
seven!”
Vae:“The very good move, Quendry! Congratulations!”
Me:“Not that he was at one of the three places in the game where
the player can actually choose what to do.” I hate that game.
Quendry:“You are both very good players! I am happy to play with
you! You make me happy! But how can I win? How can I roll a seven and
win? It was three plus four! I mean four plus three! It is
seven!”
Me:“Vae? While he’s drunk on his victory, could you give me some
envelopes, to write to Kzip La Hish and Nangbang back in Oorah
Thrassen?”
Quendry:“I am making up the dance for seven! Here it is! The
dance for seven!” He cavorted awkwardly. “Ochirion, come dance
the dance for seven with me!”
Ochirion:“I’m dancing the dance for seven!” He might have
been, too, but I couldn’t see how his dance and Quendry’s were at all the
same.
Vae:“The certainly!” She transformed some cookie crumbs into
ferocious Locador scroll-tubes.
Here’s the first:
Dear Kzip,
Your indentured servant Dorze the spell-scribe has stowed away on my skyboat.
I’m afraid I was unaware, and, indeed, unconscious at the time that it
happened. The Sky Pilot’s Guild, of which I have the honor to be an associate
member, recommends that I put him aground at my next port of call, which will
be Eigrach in Srineia. But I recognize your particular interest in this
stowaway. If you like, I will lend you (with Dorze as your agent) the money to
buy him passage on a skyboat from Eigrach to Oorah Thrassen — when I can find
one; Srineia has little direct commerce with Ketheria. I am not sure how
likely he would be to stay on such a skyboat all the way back to Ketheria,
since he has, already, recently attempted once to leave your service. Various
other arrangements are possible as well. I expect to spend at least two months
in Eigrach; you could, e.g., send an agent here to collect him –
assuming of course that he does not wish to flee further; I have few effective
and legal means of restraining him. Or at any rate, you can send a letter to
him urging him to come home (or whatever course of action you wish); I enclose
two return envelopes, courtesy of the nendrai Vaisessasilmin.With apologies for any perplexities or expenses I have directly or indirectly
caused you, I remain, your hmbl srvt, Sythyry.
And here’s the harder one.
Dear Nangbang and family,
I regret to inform you that your daughter Lost-Eyes was discovered stowed away
on my skyboat. The Sky Pilot’s Guild, of which I have the honor to be an
associate member, recommends that I put her aground at my next port of call,
which will be Eigrach in Srineia. According to Guild rules, that should be the
end of the matter for me. However, I recognize that you may wish for your
daughter to have better treatment than that. I would be happy, for example, to
lend you (with Lost-Eyes as your agent) the money to buy her passage on a
skyboat from Eigrach to Oorah Thrassen — when I can find one; Srineia has
little direct commerce with Ketheria. I am not sure how likely she would be to
stay on such a skyboat all the way back to Ketheria, since she has recently
left home and shows no great eagerness to return. I expect to spend at least
two months in Eigrach, and would be happy to keep your daughter comfortable
and safe there. My sky-yacht lacks prison facilities, and my friends lack
suitable training; I’m afraid that, if she stays with us, she will do so of
her own volition. In any case, I enclose two envelopes; you may write to her
as well as me, and urge her to do what you think best.With apologies for any perplexities or expenses I have directly or indirectly
caused you, I remain, your hmbl srvt, Sythyry.
Perhaps I can behave morally and legally towards everyone concerned, even.
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